Guilty?

"the disease of false guilt . . . the idea that what you feel must be true"

I felt guilty for most of my life. I wasn't sure what I was guilty of, but I knew I must be guilty of something because that was how I felt.

It's taken years of therapy to learn the concept of "false guilt". Feeling guilt is not evidence that I am guilty. In its healthiest form, guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. So guilt helps us learn to accept responsibility for our mistakes -- that's a good thing. Unfortunately, false guilt leads us to take responsibility for anything that causes us to feel or assume guilt. So the abuse survivor feels guilty for what was done to her or him.

And guilt becomes a way of life. 

My kids used to say I felt responsible (guilty) for global warming. It was a joke rooted in truth. Anything, and I do mean anything, that went wrong I felt guilty about. People were using too many disposable diapers and paper towels? Clearly my fault. If I would just cut back the problem could be solved. 

My favorite TV show got cancelled? If I just hadn't missed those few episodes while I was taking care of my kids, going to church, helping someone out, or, God forbid, doing something for myself, clearly the show would have survived (and none of those actors, producers, camera operators, directors, make-up artists, etc. would still have jobs).

Man, that is a lot of guilt! No wonder I felt bogged down and driven to despair. Who wouldn't?

For survivors accepting guilt for the abuser's actions provides a false sense of safety. If it (the abuse) was my fault to begin with, clearly I can keep it from happening again. I was in control. I let it happen, so I can stop it from happening again. Magical thinking. 

If I recognize that it wasn't my fault, but rather the abuser's fault, then I've lost my safety mechanism. See? It's a warped perspective that functions as self-preservation. The problem is, it's a lie. I can't keep someone else from committing a crime. I can (as an adult) strive to create a safe environment that raises my chances of avoiding another attack, but even as an adult I can't eliminate the possibility of something bad happening.

Letting go of feeling guilty is one of the hardest shifts for most survivors. I know it has been for me. But, it's also the truest path to becoming a survivor.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Surviving in Numbers

Earlier this week I posted this as my Facebook status --

Number of abusers: 6 / Years since abuse stopped: 22 / Years since I first told anyone: 13 / Years married to a wonderful supportive man: 28+ / Children: 2 / Blog posts read: over 80,000 / Friends who support me daily: innumerable 

It was the result of having looked at this Surviving in Numbers post via Tumblr.

After posting my status I got that old feeling again. The one where my body starts telling me I've done something really bad. My head begins to hurt. My shoulders round over my body. My stomach begins to grumble. My breathing becomes shallow.

I kept looking back at my impromptu list, and thinking I should revise it. I should have given it more thought before throwing it out into the universe. I should have explained certain things. 

And that's when I saw it. The "shoulds" had returned. 

I used to live my life based on a very long list of "shoulds". Most of them had something to do with what others might think about me or my family if I expressed my feelings. 

I saw those lists of numbers that other survivors had posted and it made me think about my experiences in a numerical way. The first number that popped into my head was the number of abusers. When I started this journey, I believed there was 1. One person who had made me do some things I wished I hadn't done. Years of talking and journaling have led me to understand that that one person abused me. I had no choice or control in any of it. All that work also made it possible to recognize other people and events as abusers and abuse. 

The next number that popped into my head was how many times it had happened. The problem with that number is that I have no idea. I think I "should" know, but I don't. There is a part of me that wants and needs to catalog each episode so that I can categorize and order them, because that will somehow help me understand them. Wishful thinking. Maybe even magical thinking. 

At that point I stopped thinking and just started typing. Realizing that the list could go on and on. 

Number of therapists I tried to get some help from: 8

Number of years since the abuse started: 48

Number of journals filled with writing: at least 10

Number of magazine articles written: 1

Number of groups I've spoken to about abuse: 4

Number of blog posts about the abuse: over 200

Number of degrees obtained: 3 (high school, college, masters level)

Number of years of mothering: 24

And that's the point at which I understood what the Tumblr post was really about. It's not about the abuse. It's about what I've done in spite of the abuse. For me, the abuse has provided a platform, but it's a platform that has led to so much more than dealing with abuse. 

I am a survivor, but more importantly I am a wife, mother, librarian, writer, reader, cook, artist, and child of God. The only things that really matter.


linking up with Just Write and Imperfect Prose

a reason to not be silent

In support of survivors everywhere:

An Open Letter From Dylan Farrow

Unanswerable Questions

I was sitting in a friend's kitchen on Easter Sunday. It was late spring and the kids were playing outside while we got lunch ready to eat on the front lawn. We had invited a family from church to join all of us because they were new to our congregation and she was a single mom with 2 kids and no family in town.

Her little girl, maybe 7, wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table beside me. The mother looked at her daughter and said, "You and this lady have something in common." 

And I froze. 

Our commonality was we had both been abused. I knew this was what the mom was referencing. What I couldn't figure out was what she thought I was supposed to do with that opening. 

There is a space in time that freezes, or at least slows down significantly. I got caught in that time/space. Really it was only for a few seconds, but I clearly remember looking with desperation to the other women in that kitchen. Women who knew my story and were waiting for me to offer this little girl a gift of healing. 

I opened my mouth and said, "What's your favorite color?"

That was all I could process, except to know this was neither the time nor the place, nor was I the person to delve into this child's trauma.

She looked at me timidly and said, "Purple."

I smiled and said, "Me too!" And from there we went into a conversation on the benefits of different shades of purple and what other colors we liked using when we drew pictures.

Her mother wandered from the kitchen. I don't know what she had expected. I don't know what I could have done differently.

Their family didn't stay around at church long. I don't think I drove them away, but I'm not sure I offered them something they needed. So if that little girl is reading this now, or her mother is, this is what I want you to know. 

Purple is my favorite color. And I do love to draw and color pictures. I am infinitely sorry for the trauma you experienced, and I wish I had the wisdom to help you heal. But maybe I gave you something. I hope so. 

Blessings.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

What We Wish You Knew

Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: What We Would Like You to Know About Us

1. We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives.

2. Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally.

3. Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected.

4. Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse "on the back burner" does not make them go away. The only way out is to go through these emotions and process them.

5. Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because: we are working on separating the past from the present. Pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously. It is important for us to be in control, since control is what we lacked as children. Sometimes we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension.

6. We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions.

7. We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside.

8. There is nothing wrong with us as survivors -- something wrong was DONE to us.

9. Sometimes others get impatient with us for not "getting past it" sooner. Remember, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is your patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen overnight.

10. Your support is extremely important to us. Remember; we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear.

11. Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own.

12. There are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody -- from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education-- may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children.

13. We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy.

14. We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (WITH PERMISSION) in a nonsexual way.

15. Our therapy does not break up relationships - it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present.

16. Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves.

From Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A. copyright Wendy Ann Wood 1993

April = SAAM

It's April, which means I pull out my blue ribbon. I've written about the abuse I endured as a child. I've written about the rapes as an adult. I've shared with you all -- mostly strangers in real life -- about intimate details of the ugliness of abuse. Everyone of you who have commented have had nothing but generous, positive, and uplifting things to say to me. And for that I am more grateful than you will ever know.

May I ask a favor now? Do something this month to help raise awareness of sexual assault. Wear a ribbon. Share the logo on your blog or Facebook page. Speak out in some way to remind others that there are victims trying to become survivors, and survivors trying to become thrivers. 

The ugliness won't go away on its own. The only way to rid the world of darkness is to spread the light. Shine it on those dark, nasty things, so they will slither away. 

Throughout this month I will sharing some older posts, some new posts, and some helpful posts for those of us who are survivors. But also for those of you living with and loving victims and survivors, and for those of you who want to help in any way you can. 

Shine the light, because that is the first step.

For more information --

The Innocence Revolution

Sexual Assault Center

A Conversation

Last night I found myself in unusual territory. As a survivor of child sexual assault (CSA), I try to offer support to others who have been victims. I feel totally inadequate as a rule. I don't believe I'll "get over" what happened, and I'm not even sure I'll "get beyond" it. I think of the abuse as something that is part of my history, just like anything else -- going to school, getting married, having children. 

But last night, another survivor posed some questions to me. I answered with what had been my experience in healing, because I believe every road is different. Each trauma has it's own persona that must be handled in its own way. What works for me may not work for you.

We talked about medicines, panic attacks, triggers, reactions, sex, love, children, and marriage. Because there is no part of my life that isn't impacted by the abuse.

After awhile I needed to get away from it. I'm still figuring this out for myself, and don't see myself as any kind of role model. I do think I understand the Hippocratic oath a little better these days -- "First, do no harm".

What I say to another survivor can help or hurt, and so I must watch my words and intentions oh so carefully. I only want to help, but I recognize how easy it is to hurt, unintentionally. 

Here's what I do know -- healing comes from telling. You will never heal until you share. I was never meant to carry this load at all, but I was certainly never meant to have to carry it all alone.

Accept that you can't undo it. No bell, once rung, can be un-rung. Stop waiting for the abuse to go away. It's not going to. 

Be kind to yourself. Honor is a big word in CSA recovery, and with good reason. Learn to treat yourself honorably. You ARE worth it and you DO deserve it. 

Maybe this is rambling. Maybe this is journaling. But maybe it will help someone else. God knows that's all I want to do.

Blessings.

Monday Musings

I'm sitting at my little desk this morning in my flannel robe and slippers, covered by an afghan and wrapped in a shawl, drinking Cranberry Blood Orange tea. It is COLD here today. The birdbath is frozen over and the grass and trees are covered in a heavy white frost (hoar frost?).
I've done my morning computer check in -- emails, Facebook, new blog, read (or scanned) Google Reader, and now I'm thinking about the way things are.
The start of 2012 has been a bit rugged for me. Flashbacks and struggles with extended family have left me feeling off center and rung out. I missed worship the past two Sundays because corporate worship can become a negative for me when I'm struggling. Growing up a preacher's kid has some side issues. 
Yesterday morning I just couldn't face the Sunday morning routine, so dh and I stayed in and listened to a podcast and talked about the Colossian heresy. I made quiche for lunch and spent the rest of the day on the sofa trying to do something semi-productive. 
It didn't work. 
I thought about crocheting, only got a row and a half done. I thought about reading, but never opened the book. I picked up my Bible to get a head start on the next class I'm signed up for -- no go. I wound up watching reruns via Netflix instead.
I realize there are worse ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. I made hamburgers in the iron skillet, with baked beans and potato chips for dinner. Comfort food. Then dh and I watched an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation (yes we are nerds) and then we watched "Sweet Home Alabama". That's more tv than we watch most weeks!
I'm not sure what the purpose of all this is. Maybe I just needed to let someone know that it's not easy all the time.
I've been "helping" some other survivors via a website. Some of them are looking to me for answers. My gut reaction is I don't have any, but then I think about this comment I made to one of them this weekend:

it is incredibly difficult. The hardest thing I have ever done by far! It has taken years. I was four when the abuse started and didn't begin addressing it until I was 38. I'm nearly 50 now. It can be done, but the most important part is being kind to yourself and understanding that none of it is your fault.

These are words of comfort I shared. I know they would have helped me early on in my process.

The same site shared a quote from one my older posts:

...This is what I know -- bad things happened to a little girl who didn't deserve it (no child deserves to be hurt). No one was there to comfort and console her at the time, so I must comfort and console her now, retrospectively. It isn't as effective, but at least she's not alone now. So now I'll put on my warm jammies, get my new doll (Ruby) and pop in a pleasant movie. Relax, unwind and remember that all the hurt is in the past. I got through it then; I'll get through the memory of it now... (you can read the entire post here)

Not every day is a struggle, but it's also not easy every day. But I'm still here and I'm still standing, so they haven't won, and I know they're not going to win.

Blessings.

Thankful Thursday

This month we move Thankful Thursday to Grace Alone. It's an interesting combination -- thankfulness and grace.

Thankfulness is defined as: conscious of benefit received; expressive of thanks; well pleased.

Grace is defined as: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.

Big words!

I need a lot of grace this week. So I am hugely thankful that God is providing it.

Abuse does bizarre things to people. It warps my view of myself. That's one place God's grace comes in -- He gives me a mirror to view myself as He sees me. 

He doesn't see the damaged, terrified, worthless person that I see when I look in my mirror. He sees His child, who has been hurt. A child He wants to comfort and nurture. A child who is not a victim, but a survivor. His child for whom He wants the best.

Today I am thankful for God's grace.

find more Thankful Thursday at Grace Alone

Pandy's Project -- Vote to Help Survivors

Dear Friends and Family,

I'm writing you today to ask a favor of you. Pandora's Project, a 501©(3) non-profit organization dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual violence, is competing to win a $25,000 Pepsi Refresh grant that will allow them to expand their work and provide free or low cost events for men and women who have survived sexual assault. The grant will be given to the 10 organizations with the most votes and competition is fierce, so I am asking you to please consider voting for Pandora's Project.

Voting is simple - just click the link and sign in using your email or Facebook and vote. Please make sure to vote for Pandora's Project and if you've got a moment, also vote for their partners!

http://www.refresheverything.com/pandorasproject
Then vote for Pandora's Project by texting 103598 to Pepsi (73774).


You can vote today and every day, so please put this on your to-do list for the next month! You can also promote Pandora's Project by:

·         asking your Facebook friends to vote

·         using Twitter to ask your followers to vote

·         mentioning Pandy's effort on your personal website or blog

·         emailing your family and friends to ask them to vote (see sample emails below)

·         telling any groups you belong to about our efforts and providing members with a link

As a survivor of sexual assault, I feel strongly that no one who has gone through what I did should go without support and Pandora's Project works hard to ensure that all survivors have free access to support and resources. Your vote means a lot to me!

Blessings,

Melanie

Open letter to an abuse victim

Dear One,
I want you to know that I believe you. I believe you were abused by ****. I believe you were abused by ****. I believe that even though you tried as hard as you knew how, you couldn’t get the support you needed from the people you needed it from the most. I know your pain was unbearable and you believed you took the only route you could.
I am so very sorry that you reached that point. I wish I could have been a compassionate witness for you in life. But I could not because I didn’t know you or your situation. I can be a compassionate witness now and I will be. I will continue to believe myself and speak the truth. I will support other victims and help them on the road to becoming survivors. I will do all within my power to keep other women from reaching that crushing point that took you away from your life and your children. I will speak out against ALL abusers regardless of their standing in the community. I will not let your death be in vain.
I don’t know exactly what this will all lead to, look like, or mean, but I promise to not let you down as others did.
I will pray for your children and their safety. I pray that you have found peace in the loving arms of Jesus. I will pray for the abusers that they will confess their sins and take responsibility, but mostly I will hold your name up as a victim of abuse. Not a crazy person, but a hurt person.

Go in peace