Day 4 of 31

I have a confession to make. I don't do much editing. Some of you may be thinking, "Well, duh. That's obvious."

I try to look for typos and word repetition, but beyond that what you see here is pretty much stream of consciousness.

I grew up with an English professor for a father. I never once asked him to proof-read a paper, and he never volunteered. I was terrified of turning a paper over to him. I went to college where he taught (and was head of the English department), so I avoided any English classes that required much writing. Sure I took freshman comp. The teacher I had gave me a D on an essay because I had a comma splice in it. It should have been an F, but even he couldn't bring himself to me and F.

Grammar and style are important, don't misunderstand. There is nothing more difficult for me than trying to read a piece of writing full of disjointed sentences and misspelled words, but, and this is a big one, the point of so much writing is to get our hearts out -- to be seen, really seen. I hate to think that there are people out there with so much to say and so much bottled up that needs to spill out, but they hesitate because they might get the sentence structure wrong.

So I agree with Lisa-Jo today. Turn off that editor in your head, and write. And link up tomorrow with 5 Minute Friday it's a great way to get started!

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Day 3 of 31

Today Lisa-Jo said write the story you know. And I think about how I've been trying to do that for a long time. Not that long ago I shared about it here.

When I think of the stories, fiction and nonfiction, that have moved me the most, they are rarely the stories of great beauty and romance. Stories that move me are gritty and tough, repetitive and full of struggle. Perhaps because they are so true. The human condition is not a pretty story, but a story of perseverance.

I keep trying to visualize the end of my story. When it's over and the abuse doesn't effect me everyday any more. I think that may be part of my problem. That's not the ending that will come. Maybe the end is more about me taking control of and accepting the impact the abuse has on my life everyday. 

My husband tells me not to feel bad for feeling bad. To get angry at the people who did this to me and toss all the crap right back on them. 

I'm just not sure how to do that. I don't want to do "confrontations".  I tried that approach with one and it didn't go well. One of the abusers is dead. Another I tried to contact, but she won't communicate with me. Honestly I don't want to talk with any of them.

So I think and write about my experiences to clear my head and I hope (and I pray) that by being open and honest about my own struggles someone out there is being helped to move beyond their own pain and seek help. 

And #&*% the abusers.

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Wordless Wednesday -- My Little Corner of the World

for more images go to Wordless Wednesday

Day 2 of 31

So Ann is writing about crazy joy. Her post today gave me a lot to think about.

I consider myself to be a joyful person. In general I try to see the good, find the humor, and enjoy the little things. But sometimes (often lately) all of that is made more difficult by the memories of abuse I carry with me.

I've had people say more than once, "It was a long time ago. You need to let it go", as if I am deliberately holding on to the pain. I have worked hard to understand what happened and not focus on the why, but accept that it wasn't my fault, and it shouldn't have happened.

But it's hard to connect. I stand in the foyer after services at church and I try to reach out and speak, but so many people rush by. I am alone although surrounded by good, caring people. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I had a counselor tell me once, it would be easier for others if I had cancer. People know what to do with cancer, they don't know what to do with abuse. I'm glad I don't have cancer. 

So this is the real me. I am joyful at the sight of twin baby girls next to me during worship, but crying in pain as a little girl stands at the front and sings out purely, "Yes Jesus loves me".

We are all pain and joy. It's the blending that is so difficult.

linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . October 2, 2012

Outside my window . . . it is cool, cloudy, and very humid.

I am thinking . . . about all of the productivity from the weekend. Lots of baking and cooking.

I am thankful . . . for the time to process information.

In the kitchen . . . last night was pinto beans and hams, with whole wheat sourdough bread, and a spinach salad. Tonight may be leftovers from the weekend -- pork medallions, succotash, and sourdough bread. Alas, the milk salad is all gone, as is the pumpkin bread.

I am wearing . . . a big pink t-shirt and my summer weight robe.

I am creating . . . still crocheting, but I'm thinking about more beading and maybe working on the Smash Book some more.

I am going . . . swimming and then coming home with some leftover energy to work around the house and play a little as well.

I am wondering . . . why criticism hits me so intensely.

I am reading . . . Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I know, I know, I should have read it years ago, but I'm just now getting to it.

I am looking forward to . . . starting my Christmas shopping. I know, right!?!

I am hearing . . . dogs begging for breakfast and dd getting ready for school.

Around the house . . . things are shaping up nicely. My new schedule seems to be helping, but still needs a bit of tweaking.

I am pondering . . . how to refocus this space. Most week it is a jumble of thoughts and ideas. Does it need more order?

One of my favorite things . . . is finding something really good to read. One of my least favorite things is not being able to find anything good to read.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . maybe going to see a play (if I  can talk dh into it) called "Red" by John Logan. Otherwise it's the same routine for the week: exercise, housework, cooking, therapy, and Bible study.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

a little autumn color

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Made by You Monday -- Menus

It's a menu Monday again!

Day #1 -- Chicken in the Jug, baked sweet potatoes, garlic okra, and green beans

Day #2 -- Grilled pork medallions, milk salad, whole wheat sourdough bread, succotash, pumpkin bread

Day #3 -- Pintos and ham, cornbread, spinach salad

Day #4 -- Breakfast casserole, hot fruit compote

You can find the milk salad here, the marinade for the pork here, the pumpkin bread here, and the cornbread here.

Happy Eating!

linking up at Skip to My Lou

31 Days

Two of the blogs I read regularly are doing it. And I wonder about the benefit of following suit, all the while wondering about the topic to pick. Abuse? Recovery? Relationships? God?
I talked with my husband yesterday about the difference between whining and talking through difficult things. I'm still a little foggy, but it's becoming clearer I think.
So what could I write about every day for the next 31 days that would benefit both you and me? 
Maybe the answer is, whatever comes to mind on any given day. Lisa-Jo is writing about her life as a writer. Ann Voskamp is writing about crazy joy.
I can't make any guarantees about what will happen, but I'm going to share for the next 31 days. 
Buckle up, it could be a very bumpy ride.

Day #1 --
I'm eclectic. Anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows that. I'm also insecure and full of self-doubt, but at the same time I am driven to write. I argue that it is to clear my own head, and that is true. But what is also true, is that I crave validation. Maybe everyone does. My need goes back to an abusive childhood where I was constantly denigrated. I want to trust in my own belief that I am a person of value. (All people have value because we are all made in God's image.) I know in my head that it is a good thing to share and talk and wonder, but my heart has difficulty following. I know others don't have it all together, but I have difficulty retaining that concept.

I started out by saying I'm eclectic. And I am, in decor and music and books and movies. But I'm also eclectic in emotion -- I was raised in the Bible belt and have the emotions and convictions of my conservative history. I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually by numerous individuals, so I have all of the baggage that implies. But I have a master's degree and was raised by a minister/American literature professor who quoted Mark Twain more than scripture. I love to cook and crochet and read and watch crime shows and independent films. I like k.d. lang, Evanescence, Michael Buble, and James Taylor.

So what does this tell you about me and why does it matter?
It matters because I need to feel that I matter to someone out there. That the abuser was wrong when she said she could drown me in the well and no one would even miss me.
Would you miss me?


linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp