Hard Days

Write 31 Days Day #11

Some days are harder than others.

Today has been a hard one and I can't tell you why. I've struggled all day to come up with something meaningful to share in this space. It's a day like any other. I've done the usual things, but there have been more dark images and thoughts today. 

That's the way it is with survival. And every time I write something like that, I am reminded that is the way it is with life. I'm really no different from anyone else on this big blue ball. We all have good days and bad days. Ups and downs. Highs and lows.

It's not about having the bad days. It's about how I handle them. Today I did okay. I got some things accomplished that needed taking care of. I talked with a few people. I ate pretty well and did some stretching. And I spent a lot of time snuggling with Millie.

Have you met Millie, yet? No? Well, here she is!

She's part chihuahua and part feist. She's probably about 12 years old. I got her through a rescue program back in the spring. She's my spoiled sweetie who likes nothing better than snoozing in the big comfy chair most days.

We napped together today and I was kind to myself about the hard time I was having. I call that a win.

Blessings!

The Gift of Listening

Write 31 Days Day #10

I need a lot of validation. Perhaps it's part of my basic make-up. Certainly, it has been exacerbated by the abuse I experienced. For a very long time, I believed I was alone in this need. Not surprisingly, I find I am not.

As humans, we all want to belong, be accepted, loved, understood, and appreciated. We all crave it so badly that we often forget it's a two-way street.

I've been reading Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker as part of my morning devotional. I really can't recommend it highly enough. She and I are opposite sides of the same coin, so it's been especially good for me to read from her perspective. I am introverted and process things by writing or thinking them through. She is all about the talking. 

One similar trait that has surprised me, is how difficult listening can be. For her, it's about needing to make comparisons to her own experiences or trying to fix the other's problems. While for me, it's about needing to be constantly reassured that I am understood. That the listener doesn't think I'm crazy and isn't lying to me when they say they believe me. 

For years I've used the phrase "compassionate witnesses" to describe those who have listened to my experiences. I've worked to become a better listener myself -- quieting the need to insert ME into every scenario. I used to believe that need was a result of self-centeredness, but I am beginning to understand it's actually the result of humanness. We all see the world and other's experiences through our own lens. How else could we see things? The goal is learning to get outside of ourselves and just see the other person. Not fix them. Not analyze them. Just love them. 

It's hard to love someone when you aren't listening to them. When you're constantly making assumptions and transferring your own issues onto another you can't truly see them for who they really are.

I want compassionate witnesses in my life. But more and more, I'm desiring to be a compassionate witness for others. 

". . . listening is the most powerful gift we can give . . ."

-- Lisa-Jo Baker

Blessings!

Unexpected Blessings

Write 31 Days Day#9

This day has been completely unpredictable. 

There is a certain rhythm to most days. A routine. We wake. Get ready for the day. Do our work, whatever it is. We eat. We interact with family, friends, coworkers. Sure things happen we weren't expecting, but there is still a rhythm.

Not today. 

I was scheduled to work with my best friend today. We are starting a business together and have been working with a client for several weeks. Before we headed off to work, my daughter was coming by to bathe my dog, Millie. I had things I needed to do, wanted to do more than going to work. Such is life.

My best friend calls me every morning to see how I'm doing. She's just that nice. She's been on this roller coaster ride with me for the past couple of years. This morning's call was different. I knew the minute I answered the phone something was wrong. She told me her father had died in the night. And then she broke down. I said all the things you say in that situation. She said we wouldn't be working today. She's pragmatic like that. I told her I'd be on call all day. Whatever she needed. 

Plot twist. 

I didn't have a theme for #write31days. I'm beginning to think God did.

I texted a few friends and made a couple of calls. Then I set about re-organizing my day. I prayed as usual, but with deeper intent for my best friend and her family. I did my devotional. Had my tea and breakfast. My son came to the kitchen and we talked a bit. Then my daughter came to bathe the dog. We talked about the sadness of the day. I made a few more calls for my friend. Sent a few more texts. 

In the midst of all of that sorrow, something beautiful began to happen for me and my kids. The three of us sat around and talked for nearly 3 hours. We talked about everything and nothing. Then I took a shower while my kids kept talking. It's been a difficult time for us, and they needed time together. I was blessed to watch it happen in my home.

After that, my daughter and I went to the grocery store together. It's what we do. And then I cooked dinner for my son and me. 

And I wonder how a day can hold so much sadness and so much beauty at the same time. I'll be helping my dear best friend a lot for the next little while. I started to say I'll be paying her back for all she's done for me, but that's not true. There is no debt. We are friends. It's what we do. And that is the blessing of friendship.

Blessings!

Plot Twist and Church

Write 31 Days Day #8

Since Friday, I've really been thinking about the plot twist I'm dealing with now. That idea has provided me with a jumping off place for organizing the changes going on in my life.

Church has been an unexpected struggle. I didn't see that one coming. I've never done "church" on my own. After moving across town last year, I've been trying to get into a routine with church attendance. When you've never gone to church by yourself regularly, it can be daunting to walk into a new place all alone. People tend to be welcoming, but I find myself revealing more than I want to. "Are you a visitor?" "What brings you here today?" My pat answer became, "I've recently moved to the area and am looking for a new home church." Of course, that leads to "Where are you from?' Which leads to "Another neighborhood in the city -- 20 minutes away". And the question hangs there. I wonder where she used to attend? I wonder why she left? Sometimes those questions are verbalized and then I have to man up and say "I'm getting a divorce". Not a fun opening especially in a church setting.

I am an introvert. I didn't plan on getting a divorce after 32 years of marriage. I'm still learning who I am in this incarnation. I don't know what's happening this afternoon, let alone next week. There is just so much that I don't know, and I wasn't prepared to deal with how hard getting to church was going to be and all the guilt I'd heap on myself when I don't get there.

So, like everything else, I'm taking it one day at a time (sometimes 1 minute at a time!) and turning to God constantly to quiet my own accusing voice in my head. He understands where I am and what I need. He does know what's happening this afternoon, next week, and for the rest of my life. I'm talking to him about it and trusting he'll guide me to the right place at the right time.

Blessings!

Books!

Write 31 Days Day #7

I love books. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. My father was a literature professor. I minored in English in college and went on to get a master's degree in library science. I worked as a librarian until my first child was born. 

I love to read. Again no surprise. I also collect books. I used to pride myself as a public library reference librarian on my self-control in buying books. Not so much anymore. After I quit working in that environment it became more difficult to have a constant supply of books to read. I became a slave to Amazon (as my Amazon Prime credit card shows!). 

An unforeseen problem showed up as well. I began to enjoy non-fiction almost as much as I had previously enjoyed fiction. And I like to underline things. Libraries frown on that. I read from my Kindle quite a bit and really enjoy highlighting passages, and I LOVE that Goodreads saves them for me. I'm also keeping a journal of quotes and passages I want to return to, but it's so much easier, in the moment, to just underline it!

One of the perks of my recent plot twist has been more time to read. I set a goal for myself to read 52 books this year. I'm doing pretty well at 33 completed. I'm in the middle of 4 others right now -- which should tell you something in and of itself!

I'm currently reading:

Sacred Space 2017 a daily devotional/prayer book by the Irish Jesuits

Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker. I read a few pages each morning along with my other devotional reading.

The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen, a Southern writer whose books bring magical realism and southern charm together.

Hyperbole and a Half: Unfortunate Situations, Flawed Coping Mechanisms, Mayhem, and Other Things That Happened by Allie Brosh. My daughter loaned me this one yesterday. It is hilarious so far. Possibly not good pre-bed reading as I couldn't quit laughing (language/coarse humor alert)

So what are you reading this weekend?

Blessings!

Story -- Five Minute Friday

Write 31 Days Day #6

A good story is full of engaging characters, a solid plot line, and some juices plot twists, and unexpected shifts. I love reading a book and being completely caught off guard.

We talk about our lives as stories. It's less enjoyable when our lives shout, "Plot twist!" at us.

That's what mine did a couple of years ago. I was going along on my usual trajectory, thinking I knew what was coming. We were heading into empty nest, possible weddings, maybe grandchildren. A job shift and ultimately retirement when things went off the rails.

I can't really say I didn't see it coming. But I just kept believing it would get better. We'd get back on the track I saw -- together. That didn't happen.

So now I'm writing a new plot outline. I'm introducing new characters and uncovering aspects of my main character (me) that I didn't know existed. Or at least I'd forgotten about. 

I'm choosing to see the plot twist in my story as a good thing. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Blessings!

linking up with Five Minute Friday

Marnie -- Throw Back Thursday

Write 31 Days Day #5

A hundred years ago I sat down on a Saturday night to watch the movie Marnie on network television. Understand this was the dawning of the age of VCRs. No Blockbuster. No Hollywood Video. No TiVo. No Netflix.

I'd never seen the movie before. I was in the basement of my parents' house watching on a portable black and white TV with adjustable rabbit ears. There were COMMERCIALS! I was in college dating the man I would ultimately marry. The phone rang. There was no caller ID. I don't think we even had an answering machine. 

It was my boyfriend (my eventual ex-husband). I explained that I was watching a movie and I'd call him back as soon as it was over. I really wanted to see how the film ended. Hitchcock, you know? You can't just walk away in the middle of it.

Thus began a lengthy discussion about my lack of love for him. Was he not more important than some old movie? Didn't I want to know how his shift at work had gone? Personal relationships are the bedrock of society. Television was destroying the world.

I argued. I cried. I swore my undying love. I begged, for the love of all that is holy, let me see what happens to Tippi Hedren!

By the time I disengaged from this ridiculous conversation, the movie was over. 

Fast forward to yesterday. I checked out a copy of Marnie from the library, and after my counseling session I sat down with my lunch to finally watch it all the way through. Oh my gosh! There's a reason I needed to see this movie to its conclusion. In many ways, the movie was trying to tell me my own story.

Let me tell you a little about me. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I didn't know that at the time. I had repressed most of the experiences, and the one I did remember I couldn't label as abuse. My boyfriend was quirky, but he was a lot better than where I'd been, so I didn't hang up on him or tell him to take a flying leap. I just rode it out the best way I knew how. Twisting and turning emotionally trying to figure out how this had escalated from watching a movie to the depth of my devotion to him. 

"Mark marries Marnie although she is a habitual thief and has serious psychological problems, and tries to help her confront and resolve them." That's how iMDb summarizes the plot. Barely scrapes the top layer. 

Marnie is suffering from repressed memories, undiagnosed PTSD, flashbacks, and molestation among other things. She is frigid and can't bear to be touched by a man. She spouts religious rhetoric and acts out impulsively to deal with her unexplained issues. Mark is a cold fish who is a widower with an interest in zoological behavior. He suspects Marnie is up to something, but rather than confront her he lets the whole thing play out before he blackmails her into his loving (?) arms. And it just grows from there.

It's a masterpiece of a film, and it's no wonder it wasn't well received in 1964. A psychologically taut piece that was far ahead of its time. Nobody knew about PTSD and dissociation. Mark was trying to be a 1960s man and handle his woman. A firm hand, that's what she needed. Both Mark and Marnie are flawed characters aching for redemption.

I didn't have Marnie's coping mechanisms, and my ex-husband didn't have Mark's exact issues, but we had our own weird methods that were mirrored in the movie. He pushed me into therapy after years and years of digging at my psyche. He pushed and pushed and pushed until I finally broke down and went. And then he wanted a play by play of every session. That was nearly 17 years ago. 

By the time I finished the movie, I had a better understanding of what that argument had really been about all those years ago. I also had a pounding headache, upset stomach, and massive anxiety. After some medicine and relaxation, I realized how glad I was that I'd watched the movie all the way to the end this time.

(this is an edited repost from 8/11/15)