How to Love Yourself Even When You Aren't Lovable

I don't do well with lack of sleep. I know some people can just power through it, or caffeinate themselves through it. Not me. I hit the wall and get cranky, moody, and weepy. My eyes begin to burn, and my throat gets sore and my voice gets raspy. I become incredibly paranoid.

That's what happened this past weekend. And unfortunately I took a lot of it out on my husband. The one I wrote about last week. What a difference a few days, and a lack of sleep can make!

There's a natural inclination in my being to see everything as black and white -- people are good or bad -- no middle ground. That's a harsh judgment on others, and perhaps, an even harsher judgment on myself. 

So yesterday I stepped back from the past few days and acknowledged I had behaved in a less than loving way. I accepted that sometimes (especially when sleep deprived) my husband and I won't necessarily see everything exactly the same way -- but that doesn't make either of us "bad people". 

I decided to apologize to him. To take ownership of my mistakes, without deeming myself an utter failure, undeserving of love. I gave myself the opportunity to make mistakes, and bounce back from them.

Another step toward learning to love myself as God loves me.

linking up with a love dare

Grieving and Forgiving

One day is fine for grieving and remembering, but the next day life must go on.
I read this line this morning and I thought "Yes!". Because that's exactly the way I feel about sitting and crying in my therapist office over things (horrible things) that happened so long ago. 

And I watched as talk of an abuser turned to talk of mothering and comfort, and then to teaching and prayer, and finally to Jesus. And I am reminded again of the importance of not placing my faith in people. That I have to keep my eyes on Jesus, because people, even good Christian people will fail and let me down.

And I will fail and let other people down.

I told my husband that I realize how completely unprepared I was to be a mother. I knew the mechanics of it, but not the heart and soul. I missed out on opportunities to share with and teach my children, because of my own insecurities. And I'd really like a do-over on so many things. I read about wonderful ways that mothers (and fathers) are building their children up and sharing about Jesus with them every day. And I feel awe and guilt.

I was raised by a preacher, but God and Jesus only showed up at meals and bedtime, and Wednesday night and twice on Sunday. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. And I rail at myself for not seeing it sooner. For not grasping the importance of my job. For not putting my babies first because I was so damned worried about what everyone else might think. 

And then I stop and breathe. I remember that I am God's "baby" and He did put me first. And my babies were His long before I came into the picture. I remember sitting alone with each of them in the hospital after each birth, and giving them back to God because there was no way I could be responsible enough to care for these precious souls.

And I know that He holds their hands in His just like He's held mine. He forgives me, and it's long past time I forgive myself. 

Just because they are 19 and 22 doesn't mean I have to be done mothering them. I can still talk and share. 

But mostly I can forgive and trust.

linking up at imperfect prose on thursdays

Day 7 of 31

God of peace, dawn reminds us that your mercies are new every morning. You have been merciful to us despite our sin. Teach us such mercy. Open our eyes to see the violence we condone with our silences and with our consumption. We give thanks that repentance is the beginning of true conversion. Amen.  -- Common Prayer

And I think about mercy and forgiveness. These gifts bestowed on me, that I have the opportunity to bestow on others.

And then I think of "the violence we condone with our silences", and I know that silence is not the answer. To speak is the only way to teach and lead and show.

And so I speak.

And I work on understanding appropriate anger, and how to display it, while still offering mercy and forgiveness.

And it is a big calling. 

And I see the grace and beauty of not walking this path alone.


linking up with Lisa-Jo and Ann Voskamp

Thankful Thursday

today I find myself in list mode. so here are 5 things I'm thankful for:

1 :: a scorchingly honest post by an acquaintance who is going through hell -- Caring Bridge.

2 :: my ds telling me how adorable the the little boy across the street looked in his Pooh bear sweat shirt -- complete with ears on the hood!

3 :: more and more opportunities to write; to see myself as a writer; to acknowledge that I may have some talent.

4 :: a reminder of who I really am. I found out that one of my abusers has been put on a series of medications to deal with depression and anxiety. he has been having trouble working. my initial (although fleeting) response was glee. what goes around, comes around. almost immediately I found myself just wishing he would get some help. admit what he's done. ask forgiveness, so that his life could be better. all people need forgiveness, but responsibility and admission are part of the equation.

5 :: yarn and crochet patterns. I am finally learning to read crochet patterns after years of scarves and baby blankets. it's much more fun when I can do different designs and stitches. although I may be developing an addiction! LOL!

may you find grace, peace, gratitude, 

and blessings this day and every day

to link up go to Spiritually Unequal Marriage