Day 12

“What a beautiful sight it is for God when a Christian mocks at the clatter of the tools of death and the horror of the executioner; when he defends and upholds his liberty in the face of kings and princes, obeying God alone to whom he belongs. Among us, boys and frail women laugh to scorn torture and the gallows cross, the wild beasts and all the other horrors of execution!”  -- Early church apologist Minucius 

###

“Breaking the secret is incredibly freeing & empowering. ‘I own my life’ she proclaims by telling the truth about her pain. ‘This happened to me & I can do with it whatever I want to. You do not own me, you do not control me & you cannot hurt me or destroy me as I used to believe you could.’ To break the secret is to say, ‘Somebody hurt me. I was victimized & I protest!’” -- Secret Survivors by E. Sue Blume

###

Inward happiness almost always follows a kind action. -- Father Faber (365 Days of Wonder: Mr. Browne's Book of Precepts by R. J. Palacio)

###

I hope this day has been a day of rest and self-care for each of you.

Peace and blessings!

linking up with Write 31 Days

day 9

So I missed day 9 of 31 days. I feel compelled to write something. To let you all know that I missed a day. That I have a good excuse. 

I've been following lots of other bloggers on this adventure and watched them worry and stress and sweat getting something written every day. I have been the voice of reason. "Don't worry about it."

And I believe all of that. Until I have to apply it to myself.

Isn't that the way it is for most of us? Generous toward others, but so judgmental of ourselves? 

I'm struggling with explaining that I had to drive my husband to an out of town business trip (that's a lame excuse though, because I sat in a hotel for room for several hours and could have written then, right?). I could mention that I've been sick with allergies or a bug for nearly a month, and I hurt my foot somehow, but I don't type with my feet, right?

The real reason I didn't write on day 9 was just this -- I was exhausted and had nothing that felt valuable to say. I've been struggling with allergies, sleep deprivation, depression, and now this weird foot thing that is "just one of those things" according to my doctor. I took the day off. I slept and watched TV. I drove my husband home from his business trip, and crashed on the sofa once we got here. 

Yesterday I kept trying to get motivated to write something about day 9, but I kept wavering between worrying I'd sound whiny, and telling myself it didn't matter that I missed one day. 

This is my middle ground. This one's for everyone else who's struggling along with me. 

linking up with Write 31 Days

What to Do

It's Saturday morning and I have the house to myself. My boys are gone rock climbing. I stayed up late watching a movie last night, but still got up at my usual time.

I've had breakfast -- cranberry scones I baked just for myself, and English breakfast tea. I've puttered on Facebook and the news. I've gotten dresses and started some laundry. 

Here's the thing. I have the entire day and evening to myself. No responsibilities. No expectations from anyone else. I have all kinds of things I'd like to do and have done. There is no one to complain about my choices, and yet I am still stymied by what the right choice is for the day. 

That little voice in my head is telling me to stop being so ridiculous and just pick something. There is no right or wrong. But somewhere deep in my gut fear lurks. Wrong choices. Wasted time. How can I trust that I will make the appropriate choice of how to use this day?

These are the thoughts that run through my head most days, but most days I have someone looking over my shoulder with expectations, so there is some semblance of order. 

A day or weekend to myself sounds lovely, but the reality can be somewhat overwhelming. So I make a list, my go-to coping mechanism --

1. yoga
2. hem pants
3. clean kitchen
4. do some crafting for Presents with a Purpose: crochet, bead, bean bag babies
5. read
6. balance the checkbook
7. work on paperwork
8. rest
9. write

I look at my list and I see what I've forgotten. The one thing that will make this day better, maybe best. Pray. Pray for God to show me how to spend my time. Listen to what He says, and trust that I am hearing His voice.

New list --

1. Pray
2. Do what God tells me

linking up with Write 31 Days

Care

I care too much.

I care about the homeless and hungry.

I care about animals and world peace.

I care about other people and what they may think of me.

I care about perceptions and misunderstandings.

I turn it over to God. 

 And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God.
--Micah 6:8

Everything is easier. I can breathe again. 

I still care, but I am not drowning in it.

linking up with Five Minute Friday and 31 Days of Writing

Hail

linking up with Wordless Wednesday

Say

I'm depressed. I say it again, and it tears another little hole in my soul. But if I don't say it out loud then I'm doomed to stay stuck.

I say it to my husband when he asks how I'm doing. I'm not proud to be saying it again, but he is kind and generous.

I say it to my therapist. She reminds to not worry about the why, instead think about things to do that help. She understands my panic and fear. The terror that I am losing ground -- going back to the dark place I lived in for so long. She offers me hope and a plan.

I say it to my best friend. She offers sympathy, but doesn't dwell on the depression. She offers distractions and fun and relaxation in the realization that she loves me even when I'm depressed, but doesn't feel any need to fix me.

I say I'm depressed and it's not as bad anymore. 

linking up with 31 Days of Writing and Five Minute Free Writes

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . October 7, 2014

Outside my window . . . it is wet, gray, and cloudy.

I am thinking . . . I am ready for the ragweed to die around here. So tired of having "the river of drainage" in my throat.

I am thankful . . . for my my hubby's safe return from Malaysia. He had a really good trip, with many opportunities to help others.

In the kitchen . . . last night was teriyaki grilled chicken, mixed veggies, and new potatoes. Not sure about tonight, maybe spaghetti.

I am wearing . . . a cotton gown and my parrot shawl

I am creating . . . well mostly I am mending right now. Repairing a quilt for my sister in law, and hemming some pants for one of Sam's friends.

I am going . . . to therapy and then to see my bestie for a bit today.

I am wondering . . . about depression and its cyclical nature.

I am reading . . . The Firm by John Grisham. I recently watched the movie again and it got me interested in rereading the book.

I am looking forward to . . . time to catch up with Alan as we drive on Wednesday and Thursday.

I am hearing . . . quiet as the dogs are napping, Sam is showering, and there is a light rain outside.

Around the house . . . I'm helping Alan get unpacked for the trip to Malaysia, and trying to strike order in a few places that have gotten out of control lately. 

I am praying . . . for understanding and God's guidance in this phase of my life.

One of my favorite things . . . is having opportunities to serve and help others. I'm just not very good at seeking out those opportunities.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . I'll be chauffeuring Alan to a business trip Wednesday and Thursday, and the boys are hoping to go rock climbing this weekend if the weather cooperates.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

the lovely tea set Alan brought me from Malaysia

linking up with The Simple Woman and 31 Days of Writing