the first time I did it, I worried about what people would think/say.
I worried they would ask what it meant.
I worried they wouldn't ask what it meant.
I worried about what I would say.
I worried about what I wouldn't say.
each year that I have worn the blue ribbon it has become a little easier to set aside the worrying -- to expect nothing -- to be happy with a good conversation -- to set aside the discomfort of others.
it hasn't gotten any easier to have them look away though.
as I was having blood drawn at the doctor's office, the technician said, "what's your pin for?"
"april is child abuse awareness month. I am a survivor."
"oh", startled, she looked away, and I felt it again. the guilt and shame.
what did she think of me now?
should I have kept my mouth shut?
not worn my blue ribbon?
there was no more conversation and little eye contact. she drew my blood, while I dealt with the pain of the needle in my arm and the accusation in her looking away. I was damaged goods all over again. I was at fault. I was less than.
I read a post about seeing people.
all I want is to be seen for who I am. a grown woman who is still 5 years old inside, wishing someone would intercede for me. wishing I didn't feel guilty and ashamed for others' actions.
but every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt.
linking up with Writer's Workshop
Wow. This was very powerful. We should see them, heaven knows God does, but I think we, or I at least, worry we won't say the right thing... Not that giving up and saying nothing is ok. Thank you or sharing this and speaking up.
ReplyDeleteAs usual you hit this prompt out of the park. I think so many people will benefit from hearing you and reading about what you've been through. I hope you never stop writing it out.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind comments and support. I worry that I write too much about the abuse, but I so hope that it helps others as much as it has helped me.
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