Easter Sunday

Last year this was my Easter post. 

I'm glad I'm not there currently. The past few weeks have been difficult -- my father in law is ill with pulmonary fibrosis; I had another flashback and all the aftershocks of that have taken a toll on my mood and spirits. My husband is working fulltime, in grad school, and dealing with his father's declining health. It's enough to put anyone in a funk.

I've worked hard to be kind to myself, to keep remembering that I am not less for feeling low. We made it to worship this morning, and I am so glad. Our lesson was on Esther (as we are working through the Bible this year), and the minister acknowledged it was an unusual topic for Easter Sunday. 

He shared that even though God is never mentioned in the book of Esther, He is still fully present. Just because we don't see or feel God, doesn't mean He has abandoned us. This was a particularly good reminder for me today. 

Our skies are cloudy, and it's damp and windy. Not the way Easter is supposed to feel. But my mood and struggles, or the weather itself, cannot change the fact of Easter. 

Easter is the rest of the story, after we get beyond Good Friday and sadness and absence left by the death of our Savior. Easter Sunday is the realization of the promise fulfilled. Death is conquered! There is nothing left to fear! It's the ultimate come back story. 

And I can feel peace even in difficult times, because He came back for me.

Blessings to all.

The Last Blog . . . (of This Meme)

This is me . . . 

What have I like best about this challenge . . . 

The best part for me is having a prompt for each day. I love to write, but am often stymied when I first sit down. Give me a prompt, and most of the time, I can go off on a riff.

So thanks to Tiffany for the challenge and all the prompts. And thanks to all of you who came and read and commented. I really enjoyed "meeting" some new bloggers.

Happy Easter, and don't be a stranger.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Holy Saturday

Something strange is happening - 

there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. 

The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. 

The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh 

and he has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. 

God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear.

Holy Saturday Reading

Job 14:1-17

The Message (MSG)

If We Die, Will We Live Again?

14 1-17 “We’re all adrift in the same boat:

    too few days, too many troubles.

We spring up like wildflowers in the desert and then wilt,

    transient as the shadow of a cloud.

Do you occupy your time with such fragile wisps?

    Why even bother hauling me into court?

There’s nothing much to us to start with;

    how do you expect us to amount to anything?

Mortals have a limited life span.

    You’ve already decided how long we’ll live—

    you set the boundary and no one can cross it.

So why not give us a break? Ease up!

    Even ditchdiggers get occasional days off.

For a tree there is always hope.

    Chop it down and it still has a chance—

    its roots can put out fresh sprouts.

Even if its roots are old and gnarled,

    its stump long dormant,

At the first whiff of water it comes to life,

    buds and grows like a sapling.

But men and women? They die and stay dead.

    They breathe their last, and that’s it.

Like lakes and rivers that have dried up,

    parched reminders of what once was,

So mortals lie down and never get up,

    never wake up again—never.

Why don’t you just bury me alive,

    get me out of the way until your anger cools?

But don’t leave me there!

    Set a date when you’ll see me again.

If we humans die, will we live again? That’s my question.

    All through these difficult days I keep hoping,

    waiting for the final change—for resurrection!

Homesick with longing for the creature you made,

    you’ll call—and I’ll answer!

You’ll watch over every step I take,

    but you won’t keep track of my missteps.

My sins will be stuffed in a sack

    and thrown into the sea—sunk in deep ocean.

We All Scream for Ice Cream!

What is my favorite flavor of ice cream . . . 

Mint chocolate chip. Hands down. But, there are several others I'm very fond of. For example, we have a local ice cream shop that makes Bananas Foster . . . oh, to die for!

And when I was in college, it was Baskin Robbins' Pralines and Cream. I spent many a spring/summer afternoon nursing a sugar cone filled with that.

Vanilla should not be overlooked, especially if there is warm chocolate sauce (and maybe some chocolate cake as well?).

But, yeah, mint chocolate chip. It just doesn't get much better than that.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Springtime

What is my favorite time of year and why . . . 

Spring. Because my birthday falls early in March. As a kid I always felt all that new beginning stuff surrounding spring time was just for me! A celebration of my arrival and life on this planet. 

Spring brings out the kid in me most years. The sunshine and warm breezes. The flowers and trees starting to bloom. There's an anticipation that comes with spring, different from any other season. 

This year's been tough so far. We've have mostly dark, cold, snowy days it feels like, and that's unusual for us in my neck of the woods. But my husband brought me purple tulips the other day, and they're sitting on my desk in a Ball jar assuring me that the anticipation is warranted. And will Spring will shine soon enough.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Broken

I've been broken, again, for the past few weeks. Holding onto reality by a thread. It's a cycle with abuse -- things get better, things fall apart, things get better. They fell further apart this time, and it's lasted longer than the last time. Depression and pain. Fear and paranoia. 

I tell myself it's not my fault. It's their fault -- the abusers. But that voice still whispers in the back of my head, "Aren't you over that yet?" And I scream the answer back, "NO! I'm not over it yet, because I don't get over it, but I'm getting through it."

Something was broken in me years ago when the abuse started. I live everyday just like everyone else, except for this brokenness inside that I'm still trying to fix. This hole that needs filling. I work and work. I struggle, and I pretend, but the reality is I can't fix this.

It's Good Friday. I'm sitting here complaining of my own brokenness, when Christ was truly and utterly broken so I wouldn't have to carry my own brokenness. He gave everything to fill that hole.

I woke this morning to a gift. A song running through my head before I was even fully conscious -- Bless the Lord oh My Soul. And I feel my brokenness to be less of a burden.

linking up with 5 Minute Friday and imperfect prose on thursdays

Guilty Pleasure

What is my guilty pleasure . . . 

As I mentioned earlier this week, I love food. So of course my guilty pleasure is about food. 

I have a passion (addiction?) for junk food. There now you know. I hinted at with my confession regarding Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. But the truth of the matter is that somewhere inside of me is a 5 year old junk food junkie. 

When things get really bad, I crave Little Debbie Swiss Rolls like a coke head.

It's not something I'm proud of, because in reality I'm pretty ashamed of it. I can't keep them in the house because I have no self-control. I'm torn when craving them, because a single pack at convenience store costs the same as a whole box at the grocery story. What's a girl to do? Save money or dive off the sugar/carb deep end with an entire box?

So now you know. I am a recovering Swiss Roll-aholic. 

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Wonder

won·der [wuhn-der]
verb (used without object)
1. to think or speculate curiously
2. to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel (often followed by at)

This word keeps popping up around me. I recently read Wonder by R. J. Palacio, and it was inspiring, causing me to think and speculate. 

I wonder about lots of things. I wonder what my life would have looked like without the abuse. I wonder why the abuse happened. I wonder why certain people came into my life at various times, some bringing terrible, awfulness, and others bringing love and joy.

I wonder what the future holds for me and my family. What dreams will be realized, and what will be lost. I wonder about the future of this world. What will become of our country.

And I wonder about wondering. And I realize I need to change my definition. I focus on "to think or speculate curiously", when in reality I would be much better served with "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe". 

So just for today I am going to wonder at the warmth of the sun, and how its appearance lifts my spirit and opens my heart. I'm going to wonder at the blue of the spring sky, and the tiny blossoms on my cherry tree. I'm going to wonder at the fog that floated across my back yard this morning as my dogs wandered around sniffing and wondering their own wonders.

I wonder what wonders I will see.

linking up with Write at the Merge

(photo credit Alan Pennington)

Little Things . . .

see more at Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . March 26, 2013

Outside my window . . . it is cloudy and cold and SNOWING. We are caught in seriously cold weather even though the calendar says it's spring. Yesterday we had a high pollen alert and a snow advisory.

I am thinking . . . that spring needs to show up soon. I don't know how people survive in locations where winter lasts 6 months.

I am thankful . . . for my warm house, electric teapot, and crocheted afghans and shawls.

In the kitchen . . . last night we had bacon and pineapple chicken sausages, garlic mashed potatoes, and a relish tray.

I am wearing . . . my husband's robe and my slippers.

I am creating . . . the scarf for a play and a fun little stuffed turtle for me.

I am going . . . Michael's and Goodwill to do a little shopping.

I am wondering . . . when spring will actually arrive. I am so ready for driving with the top down and walking around outside. Even yard work is beginning to sound appealing at this point!

I am reading . . . Kinsey and Me: Stories by Sue Grafton

I am looking forward to . . . laying by the pool in the heat of the summer. (Sorry I'm just really having trouble with SNOW on spring break).

I am hearing . . . silence, and the occasional bird from outside (I'm guessing they're confused as well).

Around the house . . . dd and I have been coloring a lot lately, so there are completed pictures, in process pictures, markers, and colored pencils scattered around.

I am pondering . . . how intensely this late cold snap is depressing me.

One of my favorite things . . . is springtime, and I am so ready for some warm weather, sunshine, and the chance to drive around with the top down.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . a few odds and ends, and then dh has Good Friday off. He has class on Saturday, and then Easter Sunday.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

(I apologize for all of the whining. Praying for sunshine soon!)

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Food, Glorious Food!

What's my favorite food . . . 

It would be easier to list foods I don't like! I am a foodie at heart. I love cooking and eating food. 

I asked my daughter what I should pick, and she suggested one favorite from each food category. Is that cheating?

I love macaroni and cheese. My dark secret is not only do I love the really, yummy homemade kind, but I love Kraft Deluxe Macaroni and Cheese. I know it's embarrassing. 

I also love asparagus. Who knew? I grew up on the occasional can (ick!) of asparagus. Then as an adult I discovered fresh, steamed asparagus with a little butter and garlic salt. Or better yet, Black Forest Ham Wrapped Asparagus with goat cheese fondue served at Mere Bulles. 

I also love fresh pears. And any kind of bread. And soup. Oh, and sandwiches.

I'm sorry, I have to get something to eat . . . 

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Writing a Love Letter to My Body

Dear body,

I have decided to accept you as you are. 

When I was a teenager, I compared you constantly to everyone else. Changing for physical education class was an ordeal! My stomach wasn't as flat as everyone else's. My thighs were enormous. My breasts weren't cute and perky. I was 5' 1" and weighed 110 pounds soaking wet, but all I could think about was getting under that 100 mark.

I hid myself in loose fitting clothes. Apologized for my appearance. Worried constantly about how others saw me. 

I got married. He seemed to like my body, but he wanted me to exercise, which I heard as "you look terrible, and you've got to do something about it". 

I got pregnant -- twice. And had two difficult pregnancies. 

I acknowledged a childhood riddled with abuse. 

And it all began to take it's toll on you. I'm sorry.

It's taken a long time, but I don't turn away from the mirror in the bathroom anymore. I stop and I look. There are scars and stretch marks. My stomach is far from flat and my breast sag a little more each year. 

But what I see now (most days) is my body that has traveled all these roads and places with me. My body that got through the abuse. That carried and birthed 2 babies who are now grown people. My body that has learned that touch can be glorious and trustworthy. 

So I'm making you a promise today. I'm going to take better care of you, because you have taken care of me for 51 years. I'm going to take better care of you, because you deserve it and so do I. I'm not going to try and turn back the clock to some unrealistic size and shape. I am going to love you and me for what we are, what we have survived, and how far we have come.

Thank you for traveling this long and winding path with me. I look forward to many more years, filled with kindness toward one another.

M


linking up with The Love Dare

Hedgehog's Yellow Cake

This recipe came from a children's magazine when my kids were little. It's called Hedgehog's Yellow Cake, and since we love hedgehogs around here we had to try it. It's still one of my favorites, especially since I always have the ingredients on hand.

I don't have a photo, because once again we devoured it before I could get the camera. 

Hedgehog's Yellow Cake
3/4 cup demerara sugar (or granulated)
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 1/4 cup self-rising flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 
Butter a 9-inch round pan. Mix sugar and butter together. Blend until fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, beating between each. Add vanilla. Mix in flour.

Spread batter into prepared pan and bake for 25-30, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean.

Autumn Fruit Topping
2 Gala apples, cut into bite-sized pieces
1 sliced banana
1 Bartlett pear, cut into bite-sized pieces
4 oz. blueberries, rinsed and drained
1/4 cup slivered almonds, toasted
1/2 cup plain low-fat yogurt
1 T. honey
1/2 t. vanilla extract
a dash of ground ginger
1/4 t. ground nutmeg
1/2 t. cinnamon
1 T. apple cider or juice

Mix fruits and almonds in a bowl. In a separate bowl mix yogurt with honey, vanilla, and spices. Pour over fruits and nuts. Stir well. Chill.

Top cake with fruit mixture, and vanilla ice cream or whipped cream if you like.

linking up with Made by You Monday

Location, Location, Location

Describe my location . . . 

Sometimes I think location is more a state of mind. In Thornton Wilder's play "Our Town", Rebecca recounts this episode:

REBECCA:
I never told you about that letter Jane Crofut got from her minister when she was sick. He wrote Jane a letter and on the envelope the address was like this: It said: Jane Crofut; The Crofut Farm; Grover's Corners; Sutton County; New Hampshire; United States of America.

GEORGE:
What's funny about that?

REBECCA:
But listen, it's not finished: the United States of America; Continent of North America; Western Hemisphere; the Earth; the Solar System; the Universe; the Mind of God--that's what it said on the envelope. 

I like that somehow. The way it ties us all up together no matter how many miles may separate us physically, we are all within the Mind of God.

My physical location is a subdivision in south Nashville, Tennessee. Crieve Hall was built mostly in the 1950's, but has retained it's value probably due to its central location, and the fact that there are no major thoroughfares. When we first began looking for a house in this neighborhood (some 18 years ago), I told my husband it was like being sucked into the Bermuda Triangle. You could drive in circles and never get out! 

I really like it though. Our kids went to the neighborhood elementary school that is within walking distance from our house. My son's best friend still lives across the street from us, even though they are both away at the same university now. 

When the weather is nice, we walk around the neighbor, stopping to chat with people and letting all the dogs inspect each other. It's a little like "Leave It to Beaver", but just the good parts. We even had our own Eddie Haskell (but he's grown into a really nice young man). 

We've looked at other houses over the years. Thought about moving into a newer community with all the bells and whistles, but somehow we've never been able to find somewhere else that felt like home. So my home is "quaint" as a recent visitor commented. But that's okay with me, because I'm certainly more "quaint" than "upscale".

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Embarrassed

My most embarrassing moment . . . 

Oh there are so many from which to choose!

There's the time I got completely lost in a song I was onstage singing. The pianist kept looking at me and we just kept going until I figured a way out of it.

Or the time I was running late for my first period class in high school and fell out the door directly at the feet of the guy I had the BIGGEST crush on. He was so nice, but I was just mortified.

How about the time I stopped a man in a parking lot asking him what he was doing there, and making all kinds of small talk with until I realized he wasn't who I thought he was. That he was actually a total stranger, who happened to be the chair of the committee I was catering a dinner for (of course I didn't find that part out, until I was serving dinner!).

I'm sure there are more, but there's a taste of my humiliating moments.

Now share yours?!!?  Please!

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Words of Wisdom

One of the books I got for my birthday is Kinsey and Me: stories by Sue Grafton.

I've been reading Sue/Kinsey since the late '80s, so I was thrilled to see this book on shelves in stores.

I've only just started, but the quote from Grafton on the back flap really spoke to me, so I'm sharing it.

"I wish life could be edited as deftly as prose. It would be nice to go back and write a better story, correcting weaknesses and follies in the light of what I now know. What I've noticed, though, is that any attempt to trim out the dark matter takes away some of the good that was also buried in the muck. The past is a package deal and I don't believe there's a way to tell some of the truth without telling most. Wisdom comes at a price, and I have paid dearly for mine."

Just some thoughts for a Saturday.

Peace.

{this moment}

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Hobby . . . Hobbies?

Do I have a hobby . . . 

Why yes I do. As matter of fact I have several of them. 

1. Reading -- for years it was nothing but fiction. Lots of escapism through mysteries and crime novels. I think I liked the way the pieces fell into place, and the bad guys got caught and punished.

2. Crochet -- I picked this up again a few years ago. I always have at least one project going, but usually it's more like 5 or 6.

3. Cooking -- I've mentioned before, I'm not a frou-frou cook, but I do love good, basic, comfort food. I'm a little bit of a food snob, and avoid most things prepackaged (although I do have a few guilty pleasures!).

4. Sewing -- I have a love hate relationship with sewing. I am a perfectionist and so I am frequently disappointed with my finished projects, but I'm working on cutting myself some slack, and finding projects I enjoy doing just for the fun of it.

I'm sure I could list another 5-6 hobbies depending on you choose to categorize hobbies, but that should give you a general answer to the question. 

How about you? Do you a hobby . . . or 2 or 3?


linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Home Alone

What do I do when I'm home all alone . . . 

I'd love to tell you that I am super productive, but the reality is sometimes I just sit down and enjoy the peace and quiet. 

I think about all the things I could get done on my own, but then I'm just drawn to enjoy the peace. To ignore the call to productivity. Sometimes I'm drawn to my computer, and I find I have the clarity of mind to write. But frequently I just savor the quiet. 

The external quiet helps to quell the chaos in my head. I find I'm able to think in a straight line. 

Peace and quiet and rest are underrated commodities in our busy-oriented world. I choose to reclaim them whenever I can.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Remember

Remember . . . 

I remember sitting at the table for lunch. The other girls were talking and laughing. Ann was getting sandwiches ready for us. White bread with cheese. Milk to drink.

She sat my plate down in front of me. The one girl ask what was wrong with me, and the other girl said, "She's in a bad mood" while Ann said, "She's just tired".

The girls went back to talking. I sat immobilized -- too tired, stunned, shocked to eat.

They finish their lunch, and Ann shoos them outside to play. She tells me to go lie down. She'll save my sandwich for later. She never does that.

I lie down on the bed (which is never allowed once the bed is made). Ann covers me with an afghan. Why is she being nice to me? I melt away into sleep.

Remember the barn? Remember the terrible things that happened there? I'd rather go to sleep instead.

linking up with Five Minute Friday

blue ribbon

every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt. 
the first time I did it, I worried about what people would think/say.
I worried they would ask what it meant.
I worried they wouldn't ask what it meant.
I worried about what I would say.
I worried about what I wouldn't say.
each year that I have worn the blue ribbon it has become a little easier to set aside the worrying -- to expect nothing -- to be happy with a good conversation -- to set aside the discomfort of others.
it hasn't gotten any easier to have them look away though.
as I was having blood drawn at the doctor's office, the technician said, "what's your pin for?"
"april is child abuse awareness month. I am a survivor."
"oh", startled, she looked away, and I felt it again. the guilt and shame. 
what did she think of me now?
should I have kept my mouth shut?
not worn my blue ribbon?
there was no more conversation and little eye contact. she drew my blood, while I dealt with the pain of the needle in my arm and the accusation in her looking away. I was damaged goods all over again. I was at fault. I was less than.
I read a post about seeing people.
all I want is to be seen for who I am. a grown woman who is still 5 years old inside, wishing someone would intercede for me. wishing I didn't feel guilty and ashamed for others' actions.
but every april I pull out my blue ribbon and pin it on my shirt.

linking up with Writer's Workshop

Fear

What's my biggest fear . . . 

This reminds of a post I wrote nearly a year and a half ago. 

What's my biggest fear? It's a ludicrous question to ask a survivor of abuse. I've got a list a mile long. The list shifts and fluctuates, but the one constant is this -- the fear of not being believed. 

It's a deeply rooted fear. Planted by abusers, and tended by those who didn't provide an environment of safety to risk telling. Then reinforced by those, who when told, didn't believe, even offering explanations of why I would make up these atrocities. Explanations that cast aspersions on my character, proving the lies the abusers told me are true.

According to Wikipedia, Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. 

It takes a lot of people believing my story to counter the few who don't. 

Maybe that's why I keep telling it.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Hedgehogs

What do I collect . . . 

Hedgehogs. Replicas, not real ones. 

I have one sitting on my desk.

I have one that travels with me in my crochet basket.

I have them in the yard, on my refrigerator, pictures on the walls, and all over the house.

I can't really totally explain it. They just make me happy.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge.

Wordless Wednesday -- Sewing

see more at Wordless Wednesday

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY . . . March 19, 2013

Outside my window . . . it is sunny (hoorah!) and still cold (mid-30's), but it's still better than yesterday waking up to tornado sirens.

I am thinking . . . about plans for the day. A trip to the grocery very soon to get veggies to chop for my FIL's salad affinity, and supplies to help with Room In the Inn at church tonight. I'm in charge of vegetables and bread.

I am thankful . . . for a safe and successful trip to the doctor with my FIL yesterday. Even though we had to drive through torrential downpours, we got there safely and ahead of schedule. Add to that, the doctor had some helpful and positive suggestions for making FIL much more comfortable.

In the kitchen . . . cooking for Room In the Inn and figuring out what to leave for the family for dinner, while I go to serve.

I am wearing . . . my robe, jammies, and houseshoes

I am creating . . . a couple of quick projects last week one of which can be seen here. Next I'm going to try these adorable turtles.

I am going . . . to the grocery store and then later to serve dinner at church. Hopefully nowhere else!

I am wondering . . . about the hardness of this life, and how important it is to seek out that which is sweet and lovely.

I am reading . . . Days of Grace: A Memoir by Arthur Ashe. 

I am looking forward to . . . a trip dh and I are planning for April.

I am hearing . . . lovely peace and quiet.

Around the house . . . crafting and ironing seem to be taking over. I may have to spend part of tomorrow wrangling some unruly stuff under control.

I am pondering . . . this quote I saw yesterday:

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. 

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present." 

~ Lao Tzu 

While there may be some truth in it, it is still an over-simplification.

One of my favorite things . . . is good children's literature. I just finished reading the first book in a series about a classroom hamster. Quite entertaining. The World According to Humphrey by Betty G. Birney.

A few plans for the rest of the week . . . RITI, counseling, date night, and dinner for FIL.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing . . . 

latest projects

for more visit The Simple Woman's Daybook

Reading Blogs

Five blogs I read and why . . .

1.  Attic 24
-- because it's about crochet
-- because it's pretty
-- because I want to be Lucy (or at least her friend)

2. Daily Coping Skills
-- because she's one of my favorite people in the world, and I don't get to see her nearly often enough
-- because by having all those children she always has a story to tell
-- because she's the mom I wish I'd been

3. SouleMama
-- because she's living the life I would I've lived if I were a completely different person
-- because she makes it all look so easy
-- because I like to live vicariously when it comes to labor intensive lifestyles

4. inner pickle
-- because she lives in Australia
-- because she bakes
-- because she makes me smile

5. emily t. wierenga
-- because she is real
-- because she makes me think
-- because she actually communicates with me

(Just choosing 5 was tough.)

linking up with 31 day blog challenge

Happiest

Where am I happiest . . . 

The short answer is wherever my husband is.

The longer answer is Blue Angel Resort, Cozumel, Mexico with my husband.

Hubs and I went to the Blue Angel Resort for our 25th wedding anniversary. I can't wait to go back! Favorite place in the world. So if you ever get the chance I highly recommend a visit.

linking up with 31 day blog challenge